Chislehurst caves are owned by mushroom growers. They were tunnelled into the chalk by druids and saxons and mediaeval flint knappers and soldiers from the first and second world wars. We are two hundred metres underground and it is warm and dark and dry. Above ground there are hailstones and water is surging into storm drains. I am imagining a hundred thousand mushrooms growing in the dark. And druids, in dirty robes, crawling through the chalk.
POLICE GHOST HUNT 1976 is carved into a cave wall. There are smooth, black fists of flint buried in the white chalk. They are strange and wet looking and like black sea anemones or black fruit or black peepholes burrowed in the rock.
At the sacrificial druid altar the tour guide hides in an adjacent tunnel and strikes a gong. Beside the haunted pool he describes a police officer staying up all night in the darkness and hearing something breathing behind his head and being too terrified to turn around.
On the Thames clipper, riding the black water, we hear something breathing behind our heads and are too drunk to turn around. It is the sound of the boat engines heaving or of the ticket collector wheezing in a Glaswegian accent and sidling forth towards us to coerce our fares.
There is so much space in the millennium dome they attempt to fill it with yellow cranes and drum and bass. It is on the riverside, on the reclaimed docks, the colour of wet tissues and spined with antennae as though it were beaming electronic music into the outer atmosphere for the space stations and lonely, soundless solo missions.
In Chislehurst caves, by the sacrificial druid altar, the tour guide evokes the fever of the last lost god of late Chicago house and he is simulating a Roland TR-808 drum machine with his voice and his hands and the flint and the chalk and he is smashing our paraffin lanterns and the air feels warmer and wetter and the sound is unbearably loud and we are all struck by the same vision that we are drying our hair in the bathroom mirror and behind us there is only the colour cyan and it is everything and going on forever.